Van Helsing

Oh dear. This is terrible. Find out why to avoid this forever, in our lowest scoring game or film to date.

Van Helsing is one of the first in a line of summer blockbusters set to hit screens across the globe this year and no doubt fill the pockets of numerous Hollywood executives with dollars. The typical complaint about similar films is that these movies are all brawn and no brain. Unfortunately that is almost too good a compliment to pay to this travesty of a blockbuster.

Some people might say 'Hey it's a blockbuster, what do you expect? You're just supposed to sit back and enjoy the action.' That might slide for a few movies but this is one of the most unintelligent things that I have ever laid my eyes on. Despite the potential offered by the classic horror characters, every opportunity that viewer has to enjoy Van Helsing is hampered by a poor script, woeful acting and an overzealous use of CGI.

Gabriel Van Helsing (Hugh Jackman) is charged with ridding the world of evil monsters across the globe by a secretive Vatican organisation. His past is a mystery and his role in the present day is just as shrouded, he is held in ill repute across the globe due to the fact that his quest must be kept a secret from the rest of the world. Van Helsing is sent on a mission to protect Anna Valerious (Kate Beckinsale) and defeat Count Dracula (Richard Roxburgh) in order to redeem Valerious' family in the eyes of God so that they may finally rest in heaven. Beckinsale proves herself not to be another helpless victim like so many of the other leading ladies in Dracula films and is equally adept at opening a can of whoop ass on the movie's nightmarish creatures. Together Van Helsing and Valerious combine to take on the lord of the night, in doing so Jackman's character must confront his past in order to succeed in his quest.

Despite my ill-feelings for this Hollywood stinker I must admit that the movie starts promisingly, an exciting opening sequence sets the pace quite well and it leads into an explanation of Van Helsing's role in the world. However from then on the movie falls flat on its face as an over emphasis is placed on style rather than building towards anything of substance. Those that are familiar with the Van Helsing character will know that in other movies he has been cast as an old man, however he has been updated for this movie so he can be all hip and cool. Casting Hugh Jackman in the process should have the aisles filled with swooning female fans as he finds excuses to stride bare-chested across the screen!

In typical marketing fashion the makers of the movie have put a product on display that is aesthetically pleasing but have neglected to actually give the consumer something of value. What ensues is a tragedy of errors that will leave the viewer feeling like he has undergone a frontal lobotomy after leaving the cinema. The only thing worth praising in this movie is David Wenham's performance, his character Carl is the comedic output for the movie and provides some light hearted relief for what proves to be rather stressful viewing. His role of that of the bumbling idiot is reminiscent of Lee Evans but he manages to do enough to make the character his own, getting plenty of laughs in the process.

The problem with this movie is that everything is done to excess: the leading actors' performances are reminiscent of Joey from Friends' description of fart acting, the over elaborate use of CGI deprives the film of any tension or suspense and the lack of any real storyline gives the movie the appearance of the handy work of a five year old child. It may as well have been the work of a roomful of monkeys sitting in a room, smoking cigarettes whilst banging away on typewriters a la Simpsons! I was left with the impression that Hollywood bigwigs must seriously expect the average cinema-goer to be an uneducated Neanderthal who will be happily amused by seductive flesh and big explosions.

The one scene that really epitomised the entire experience for me was where Valerious swings her way across a giant chasm; it is something which is done so well in movies like any of the Indiana Jones' films but Beckinsale just swooped across the screen with ease as though it was her party piece. A lack of any difficulty completely robbed the film of any tension; the viewer couldn't even get emotionally involved if they tried. As Van Helsing comes to its conclusion, the final scene is so nauseating that whatever pieces of the movie you enjoyed will come straight back up again as you reach for the sick bag.

Jackman and Beckinsale are both very disappointing in this film which is quite strange considering some of their more recent success in the box office have been in similar roles. The charm Jackman displayed in either of the X-Men movies is left at the door as Gabriel Van Helsing is too straight laced to be the slightest bit appealing, as I previously mentioned female fans are likely to be the only people to appreciate his role. Beckinsale fulfils the same function as Jackman for male viewers but the second she opens her mouth you cannot help but laugh! Her accent is something that you would have expected from some cheesy B-movie, not a multi-million Hollywood blockbuster. Both characters provide lots of eye candy, but if you want to watch pretty people then flick onto Model TV!

The cheesy acting seems to have rubbed off onto most of the cast; the direction really has to be called into question as some of the performances are reminiscent of those displayed at a rendition in a mental hospital. Frankenstein comes across as a complete emotional cripple, he seems as he'd be happier ringing the bells as the hunchback of Notre Dame than actually explore his character. The Brides of Dracula are even worse; you wouldn't be wrong for thinking that they were three drag queens dragged in from a seedy New York bar.

Piaras Kelly
Film Critic, Kikizo Movies